i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
Why do you have Season One of Reba in your underwear drawer?
Why are you in my underwear drawer?
Sorry I had passed out by this time I think, with the chicken fingers ON my face in my bed, with all the lights on, and ketchup all over.
Im playing the how drunk can i get before my card declines game. being single sucks. But getting drunk after work alone in fridays on a wenesday night sucks way more.
Hope you had your fill for the summer my friend, because all the cleavage has been put away for the winter. Fear not; it blooms again in May.
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
I'm going to give blood tomorrow. Prepare yourself for pictures and a cynical poem about the heart and its level of tangibility.
nope. just stoned. wishing i had a golf cart.
he said "be careful" then handed me a cheezit...
Dude, they hit that lizard part of my brain that tells me to fuck people.
Preach sister.
But on the bright side the arresting officer was just as hot as I remember and I took a pretty okay mugshot.
I really wish you were home bc youre the only friend I could ask to use an at home waxing kit on my vagina. I need you.
its not much but to go through all that to ask for half a balls worth of money was so stressful
I was watchin a porno and I sware I saw that dude at the bar at applebees the other night
Holy shit he’s stupid hot! If you don’t hurry up and make a move my ovaries are going to march over there and introduce themselves
Randomize
