The shirt is mine, the pants are mine, the bra not so much
My parking ticket this morning was 30bucks. I feel like I'm paying the city to fuck you.
well yea, now i know i won't get hair in my teeth...
she sucked my dick to get the taste of the last guy's out. I need to find a new friend with benefits.
There's nothing I can say to make me pepper spraying you any better
I just had a 30 minute fake cell phone conversation with myself just to avoid hooking up with the drunk guy next to me. its like an art form.
did we decide the 'sorry about the threesome' cake was too flippant?
i never thought i could drink so much vodka in 8 minutes
Just say you're the husband at the front desk to get in. She's in room 15 at the ER.
what? who is this?
We passed out in his car so I had to find a way to inconspiciously make my walk of shame back inside to go get my shit. To make things more difficult I had no pants and the whole neighborhood was awake
Best part of Friday afternoon drinking? Having ping pong balls thrown into my cleavage.
I knew it was going to be good when he took off my bra and I only realized 5 minutes later
Underoos and an IDGAF attitude: all you need to successfully win at life
(Underoos optional)
10 shots in she's sitting on the floor using the open dishwasher door as a plate to eat her "life giving" pizza.
He is saved in her phone as Sir. Mindfuck <3/ vag cleaner of course I need to meet him.
Randomize
