I needed to borrow my dads nail clippers and next to it was an industrial size box of condoms if that wasnt bad enough I dropped the clippers behind the bed and discovered hundreds of used condoms
God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
he said i took off my shirt and wrote "help HATI" on my tits, and charged people to motorboat me..... i'd like to say i woke up with 267$ in my purse
we do all of our sexting over chat on words with friends, so my boyfriend doesn't know about it when he looks at my texts.
A monkey stole my iPod. This was not in the fucking study abroad brochure
I'm sorry. I think I have multiple personalities. Or it was the acid. Either way. I'm sorry.
It wasn't a threesome, it was me making out with one while looking at the other one screaming "does this make you jealous?"
But mostly the blowjob in the airport bathroom was what I was laughing at.
only thing in my fruit bowl is 4 champagne corks and a jenga piece . Tuesday.
Last night at McDonalds, you lied across the counter, pulled up your shirt and yelled "BODY SHOTS"...
I spent the last 6 months operating under the assumption that I HADNT fucked a paramedic. I was wrong.
He said that he made a girl squirt to the ceiling and I got curious
He stopped me in the middle of a blow job to call his grandma for her birthday.
At least he has family values.
Make me food? I don't want to be a science experiment. I'm dunk. Holy shit. Drunk*. Let's do science.
The drag queen you used to date and the girl you brought over last night are discussing your sex noises in my living room. I'm changing my locks.
Randomize
