I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
You would only drink if the space jam soundtrack was playing, you thought it was hilarious that before every shot you said "y'all ready for this".
Over it. He probably jacked off to bible verses last night. I don't want that
Hold my feet while i lean out of the window of the truck.
We are there now. They have a giant cock and balls with an eagles face and wings.
After much deliberatipn and vodka, my favourite phrase of Christmas 2012 is "penis of last resort"
I don't know if I want context or not...
Context involves faux incest and champagne. Id go into detail but im on shot number 5.
I came so hard I burst a blood vessel in my eye. If i cant marry this girl, I'm gonna have to switch teams.
I'm currently deliberating if I'm going to be too drunk on New Years to handle wearing false eyelashes.
I think it's safe to assume that dad heard you lose your lesbian virginity last night
He didn't have much of a personality. But I had like 100 orgasms, so that's cool.
My dog misses eating marshmallows out of your butt when you're passed out. That bordered on sex abuse, now that I think about it. My bad.
Adulthood is punching a guy in the face when you find out he's trying to fuck you and he's married instead of fucking him regardless and believing anything he says
this periodpocalypse needs to be over. I need head
I just want you to make me second guess my worth as a human. Is that too much to ask?
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
Randomize
