I totally have a Rabbi on speed dial now. Keep it Kosher.
I really wish i had a penis so i could dick slap that bitch right now
He had a number 3 tattooed on his penis. And when I asked what it meant, he said " you know like dale earnhardt, the intimidator".
I puked in the pool and didn't tell them, then they all went swimming. Is it dick to just sit back and enjoy the show?
I have tardy slips. and absent slips if you don't show up to the bar. and trust me, if you are absent there will be a saturday school. I'm teaching you how to drink tonight.
I made him leave at 3am, he texted me a couple minutes later and said the elevator was broken and he was sleeping in there, but he said I was worth it so I don't feel guilty
I'm instituting a new rule. If you wake me up at 3am about wrinkled blankets, I get to throat punch you
We had sex on the beach. I was completely naked except for my sneakers. That's when you know
The multiple male orgasm is a real thing. I've seen it. I've caused it. I called him a unicorn.
Turns out the creepy dude who bought us tequila shots was the friend of a friend who then got us a table and several large bottles of champagne.
Never judge a man by his mustache.
I'm still a bit day drunk and decided to go for a run. You may get a snapchat of me vomiting soon
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
Your the only girl I know that carries a $1100 purse with tater tots inside
Even my conscience is telling me to take this Wednesday's exam buzzed.
I guess I called her at 2am, demanding that she bring us food. She told us to order pizza, and I yelled "DON'T MENTION PIZZA!" I recall nothing.
Randomize
