My bra broke.... so I Macguyvered that shit together with floss
I have a feeling this won't be the last time I wake up wrapped in a shower curtain with the words "Blame Bono" spray painted on it
She gave him HEAD floating down the river in a tube as big a a tire. I just don't know how to compete with that sort of level of slut.
That was a $3000 rug we rolled him down the hill in.
I've reached the point to where my pre-gaming needs to be limited to pre-inning-ing
I must have drunkenly masturbated really loud last night, cause my roommate and his wife wont look at me
So I come home yesterday and my brother is like "watch this" and it turns out he's been retraining my dog to come running when u say "anal"
You know, having a conversation evolve from attractive men to roommate orgies would be weird with anyone else, but you get me.
Just saw Santa sitting on a restaurant patio drinking beer and using his free hand to gesture to cars that he's watching them
Got home to the hotel 3hrs ago per texts sent not in english to not a full phone number
I've finally given up enough on finals week to wear the same shirt three days in a row, because I didn't take my hoodie off for the first two.
Hahahahahha. You saved a homeless man. You're actually the mother Teresa of skanks.
Turns out he's actually a she. Might keep dating her just to see Mom's reaction.
I shall relish in being the most basic of bitches
Girl i am always here for you. But i am going to have sex now so im going to call you in the morning.
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