oh and i feel obligated to inform you that there will be no sexin' because it's 'lady time' for me. so this ain't a booty call.
I was working er so they smashed a vodka bottle over dan's head so they'd have an excuse to visit
i thought they made a 7-hour walmart run, but they were actually in jail.
he told me that my best friend was "one the most attractive people he's ever seen" and wondered why he didn't get a blow job
Drunkenly bought a $240 realtor course last night. Apparently even drunk me thinks my future is going nowhere
Can I just say I love the fact that were in business with guys where I can write a hand job up hoes down text message
I was woken up in my old house by the new residents ... I don't even have a Key anymore
I don't know if your celebrity crush has ever asked you for nudes, but it's fucking awesome
Playing Cards Against Humanity with my relatives at Christmas while I'm stoned was a bad idea...
Her tramp stamp said call me maybe. You should have run for the nearest decontamination shower immediately.
I'm really going to need you to stop yelling Campari.
I just sucked dick on a ferry
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
My boss spotted an injured PIGEON outside the front door this morning (at 3:30am) and requested that I catch it and take it to the vet. Catch it with what! Take it where!These requests have gone too far...
IDK if she's gay or not, but there is something about the way she looks at me that says "do dirty dirty things to me." I have no choice but to oblige.
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