This random guy just introduced himself then said "So, I am staying at my friends place and he has a 4 year old, so we should probably go back to your house." WTF kind of vibes do I give off?
Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
woke up with 15 BAGS of hot dog buns in my passenger seat... jameson strikes again
sarcasm needs its own font
Apparently I'm the guy that didn't get the memo that Afliction and wifebeaters were the proper attire for tonight... so I'll just sit here alone in my sweatervest and be judged.
I think it might be brain cancer. Hangovers can't be this bad
It's because you were crossfaded. And because drinks were 3 dollars. And because they accepted credit cards.
i am going to show so many millionaires my nipple
Well duh, alcohol and getting fucked up are the world's common languages.
The hypnotist is here. He has a black eye and smells like tequila.
I just wanna be able to fart and do my homework but he won't leave
Can I drink yet?
It's Monday morning.
Your point?
She abandoned me on the doorstep of her hostel. Turns out you can't bring one night stands into those places. Slept in a train station next to a tramp. He gave me chips. And didn't steal my shit while I slept. So I'm counting this one as a win
NOT PREGNANT HIGH FIVE!
I mean, who hasn’t been fingered in there back of an Uber?
Randomize
