he wouldn't shut up and let me sleep
yeah i got into a fight with my man last night
why can't men just shut up and put out?
you said the mailboxes were turning into babies and they started crawling away. then you cried and asked me how you were gonna get your college acceptance letters
drunk making out is the fucking beeeest. specially when it's your exboyfriend
I wonder if you'll be as excited about this as you are now tomorrow morning.
I just saw a guy getting escorted with handcuffs on, I'm too drunk to be at the airport right now.
beyond obliterated. i recall legitimately trying to use a ballpoint pen as eyeliner.
I just drank til 6am then boned a 32 yr old that looks exactly like ET. Oh god.
So it looks like you may be an uncle real soon. Don't ask how I feel about it and don't text me back.
I was going to text him and apologize but I didn't want him to think that meant I approved of him being my niece's booty call.
Dude I walked 1.4 miles through the hotel wearing a cowboy hat, pink topped boots, gucci shades, and a scarf and met my parents in the hallway at 7 am how is this not a good start to Vegas?
Would it be playing god to put spaghetti on my pizza?
I tried to be mean but not so mean that he won't bone me next weekend
I'm trying to find a fanny pack so I can bring pizza on my run
He drunk texted me what I think is two snails fucking on a mushroom. Is "you sick bastard" too mild a rejection?
Let’s try it, I’ve never had a bad time with sex, tacos and beer.
There's so many drinking games in the Olympics.
you missed out this chick was licking her paddle
Randomize
