i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
No, veal is cruel because they chain them down, I'm talking about free range human babys here.
At some point last night I thought pissing in a bottle was an awesome idea when I woke up a little piss was actually in the bottle a lot was on my TV remote
I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
It's officially time to start saving up weed money for the NCAA tournament
The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
he burped in my vagina and tried to deny it...
So I love how we keep introducing our friends to sex toys. It's like pay it forward vibrator edition.
There is a girl in my drunk limo who hasn't seen an uncircumcised penis. Hook me up with a picture.
I'm confident that their children would come out as 100% authentic rats
At this point I think you're just judging my taste in men
In the liquor store when a straight girl and a gay guy were just arguing about who hooked up with the same guy first.
idk man, I was fucked up and eating fried rice at the grocery store, tried to wave at her but she just looked concerned at me.
His wedding band got caught on my nipple ring and that's how I realized he was married
HE PUT A HOLE. IN. MY. HOUSE!!!
Randomize
