oh my god, i just wanna eat cake off your dick
I just found out the guys at work had a bet as to who could sleep with me before i move away.
Who won?
All of them.
two more shots til everyone in this club gets to see my cesarean scars.
ugh. my friday night is playin' Farmville on my face. time to harvest the blackheads...
she gave me a disgusted look and asked how i could live with myself. because i havent seen the rocky horror picture show. and then dumped me.
she said my body looked tiny like it was a bad thing and then didn't even mention how great my tits look. it's like we're not even friends.
So many people have lost their virginity on my futon... I think it is only the right thing to bronze it and put it on display
Don't bother coming over to clean the mess. I already paid two kids 5 bucks for it, just didn't tell them you peed all over the place. You do owe me 5 bucks though
If this outfit doesn't get me pregnant tonight I don't know what will...
I don't know man, I have to ask my girlfriend if I can borrow my balls from her purse.
SEX BINGO!
Canadian or clown?
I had a flashback of using my sock as a napkin after we got taco bell
OMG I COULD FUCK HIM FOR POT, THIS CHANGES THE WHOLE GAME.
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
Remember when I was real fucked up and said I would give up utensils and only use chopsticks for lent?...just got the reminder on my phone.
Randomize
