my ass just sighed. even my farts are tired.
dude. i was so high. i watched shrek in russian.
so when am I gonna get some from you?
when you dick grows 3 inches
all i remember thinking as i was puking my intestines out is : wow.. this toilet does look like it's from the future.
What would you say if I got first degree burns on my nipples from drinking coffee topless?
I wish there were birth control emojis
i woke up this morning and saw her in my bed and i said to myself, I think I might have a drinking problem.
You should not be allowed to go away on the weekends I plan on getting drunk on. I need someone to stop me from punching this guy in the face. It's simple room mate etiquette.
OUR DIABOLICAL SLUT PLAN HATH COMMENCED!
I just sang beautiful by Christina Aguilera to a kebab. This is what my life has come to.
Is "head down ass up" an appropriate way to say good morning?
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
Hi, I put a dog in your house, I hope it's yours.
You've hit rock bottom, swam around the ocean floor, and brought back silverware from the titanic.
My mother is currently smoking weed with a dying bee so his last moments aren't miserable. And she wonders why I rescued a grasshopper missing a leg.
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