If God's watching us, we might as well be entertaining
I'm sweating so much right now i look like Whitney Houston
Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
I may or may not have just ruined a marriage. But in my defense I got all my drinks for free tonight.
somehow he and i always have our deepest conversations after phone sex.
there is vodka in my soul right now. The vapor is coming out my nose.
Its mothers day, andI woke up with 12 bar stamps on my face, holding orange juice and a box of tampons. This can not be happening
The gas station was closed so we found old PBR and played Edward Nalgene Hands instead
First date was awkward. I think I just saw someone die.
Split a bottle of Johnny Walker and then decided to eat a shit ton of peanut butter. That was a rough bed to wake up in
We should buy t shirt guns and blow eggs out of them at his house. Bachelorette party
I just ate the lyft drivers bacon cheeseburger. Well fuck me this night escalated quickly.
WE JUST PASSED A FUCKING SPACE SHIP! NOT JOKING! A REAL FUCKING SPACE SHIP! THIS IS NOT THE DRUGS! SPACE! SHIP!
A bitchslap is in order.
He smells like sex and magic. I’m already naming our children
Maybe you should talk to him first
Randomize