my lips still taste like vagina
so you liked breakfast?
ehh, still wish we woulda went to IHOP instead
woke up with food on the counter from chipotle, taco bell, green cactus, and on the border take out. explain?
you were trying to get this Spanish chick to sleep with you. you were showing her how much you "loved her native food."
there's chicken and sequins in our bathroom sink. part of me almost wants to know what happened
Just saw a cop give four blondes gas for their car on their way to Vegas. They seriously ran out of gas and called 911 about it. Its like a porno plot.
He pulled out, and the resulting cumstain on my sheets is in the shape of a fetus. The irony of this is both awesome and terrifying.
Haha! I've never met his girlfriend, so my main focus will be not saying,"you're the only person in this room that doesn't know what my vagina feels like."
On duty sugar tits. A Marine never abandons his post to take nudi pics.
i got up, ate a McDouble, then went straight back to bed.
You sure know how to make a day worth living.
You've gotta make sure the carpets match the drapes, though.
I am not dying my bush blue.
After we had sex he told me it was a "goodbye gift". We haven't talked since.
I don't know what you're doing this morning, but obtaining Plan B is my number-one priority.
You really need to not quote Anchorman while I'm giving you a serious blowjob.
Sorry, i'm on a strict diet of vodka and regret
yeah. i tried to refuse to leave unless the burger king himself escorted me out. that didnt fly
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
Randomize
