The chance that I have herpes may have made me find god
I just realized there's an entire generation of children that will never know Alex Trebek had a mustache... Sad.
i remember too much of last night for it to have been successful
Being at this bar with grandma is a real cockblocker
I love that the power of margaritas brought us back together.
Everything's a blur with pockets full of jello
I whipped my shit out and she just stared at it with a mean face. It was like a face off in a heavyweight boxing fight.
Yeah then she waddled like a duck in silence sat down and ate the entire paper towel roll.
This is going to be the time I got green body paint on Chris' ceiling all over again...
Shirtless guy staggering down the sidewalk, puking into a Prada shopping bag. Ahhh, the walk of shame in Boystown.
whose parrot is this?
He gave me an orgasim so fantastic that I had an asthma attack.
Turns out I tore my ACL when I fell off the mechanical bull.. Happy bday to me
You know my vagina and my heart have a mind of their own even when it’s pouring snow.
You smoked too much and passed out, didn't you?
You know me so well.
Randomize
