i finally found my car by the hideout. it was parked in an employee only parking space with a torn up piece of paper in the back window with the word employee scribbled on it.
Just got a event reminder on my phone to never party with you again.
I feel like I need to get rid of the black eyeliner, glitter, and tequila breath before I to that world poverty conference..
You are the only one who would stop a bum, tell him to open up, then pour straight vodka in his mouth. You made his year.
He legit pounded my cooking wine, because he was to cheap to buy beer. He is so not getting any.
Charles Darwin would shit his pants if he saw that we managed to survive that weekend.
Drunk in burger king. Having it our way. Free fries. M&m sundaes.
Blah blah blah. Just come home and put a baby in me.
You were too drunk yesterday to deal with me crying so I am too drunk to deal with logic.
There are two guys's cum on my sheets. Be a man and be the third.
There were containers of weed in the piñata. How much more Colorado does it get
This wouldn't be the first time my boss has seen me topless
The Easter sex puns were too abundant
It’s a hundred kinds of wrong to do Jell-O shots at home alone. Right?
I support drinking alone. But Jell-O shots. That’s a game changer.
You turned down sex for fried cheese??
My penis and doctor won't be happy with me, but come on. Fried cheese!
Randomize
