I hate having morals and standards the next morning.
i got last night's adventure to take the garbage out when he was leaving. my vagina is THAT good.
it's all fun and games until somebody pulls the tampon string..
It's like alcoholism for beginners at my kitchen table.
woke up this morning in the hall outside of my parents room with a sign taped to myself that said "im sorry"...
Roommate is eating a chimichanga, watching Dr Doolittle 2 and weeping. His Tuesday hangovers make me feel better about my life.
Dude, I lost my shirt, and my doorknob is gone. I'm not sure which I should find first
Of the two of us, which one has licked a drag queen's tit in the past 5 days?
I just set a reminder on my phone to get star spangled hammered this weekend.
If your find a 12 pack on your doorstep consider it a gentleman's agreement to never speak of that night again
I have never fucking hated the horrible sound of dozens of off-key recorders BLARING their fucked rendition of "Fais Do-Do" in unison against the screams of an adult male... more than I do now. This is why people avoid teaching. Kill me. End it all.
He somehow always manages to get me naked within 5 minutes of being together. It's like fucking witchcraft.
I would literally only have sex with a dinosaur right now.
I'm seriously considering selling my books back early. I don't use them anyways and I could really use the beer money..
IM HAMMERED AND JUST HAD CHEESECAKE THAT MADE ME FEEL LIKE NO MAN HAS EVER MADE BE FEEL BEFORE.
Randomize
