he spit gasoline on a tiki torch to impress a girl. he caught on fire but did get laid. success.
her vagina looked like bernie madoff
you'll never believe how fucking awesome rain man is when you're stoned.
my mom sold the house because of the grow room the couple saw i had in the basement.
We're sending your burrito through the mail slot.
Ill trade u your bra for a run to the liquor store...
When we found you, you were using the bottle of Captain as a pillow...with a note on your forehead that said don't wake up the champion.
Hypothetically, if a stripper with braces bites you on the cleavage and it leaves an open wound, do you need a tetanus shot?
Someone posted a printout of my tits on my door this morning! Where did they get this photo!?!
Would your heart desire to drink copious amounts of alcohol tonight?
I mean I sucked his dick at 3 AM... UNDERWATER. I think I have earned a follow back on twitter.
Also, I just realized you seduced me while in a batman onesie... Well done, sir. Well done.
You said you were going to start drinking less. Drinking 25 small airplane bottle shots do not count.
how I know last night was a good night: this morning I found a bottle of tapatio, a bag of chicken and a bag of popcorn in my purse.
You date? I thought you just hooked up with your TAs
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