tfor prom could you pick me up wo bottles of champagne and a condom, please?
A few things for you to consider: 1. Drunk enough that I'm looking up the dictionary definition of Wish. 2. Dictionary.com has new features. 3. Windows is offering me 500 business cards for 5 bucks. 4. I've always wanted a card that says I'm a ninja
The only way I made it through work was reminding myself how many margaritas per hour I was making
This titty bar has wifi. I just did FaceTime stage side
He pretended my clit ring was a door knocker.
Nah the bridesmaids all had dates. I slept with the next best thing: girl who WANTED to be a bridesmaid but didnt make the cut.
I'd bet your vomit would be flammable at this point. Can I try to light it?
We wouldn't be friends if you didn't.
Not sure if he was actually hot or hot in a "he brought a live chicken to the party" kinda way but I got his # regardless
Bad news? she threw her drink in his face, left her phone at the club, and disappeared. I found her laying in bed with the bottle she stole from our VIP service. Good news is she's asleep and I have the bottle, come home
It's still to early in our relationship to tell her I was sleeping in my car
Ski vacations are for hooking up with randoms. It's like I don't even know you
Worst. Date. Ever. He peeled a layer of bread off his mini burger buns because they had "too many carbs".
I'm eating shredded cheese and chugging coke, until I can function again. I'm tingling everywhere
I'm pretty sure I broke my breathalyzer by breathing vaporized vodka into it.
he told me he wanted me to go see his cat. apparently i was more interested in playing with his cat then having sex.
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