did i leave my keys in your car? BTW: sorry for throwing that drink on your date.
Shitting during a conference call is so empowering.
Please, do not let 'babydaddy' catch on as your petname for me.
He spent most of his night trying to convince people that he had changed and was no longer a sleazebag...he had his nut hanging out of his pants about an hour later.
I woke up to blood crusted on my face. I don't understand
team rage. no explanation necessary
I found a sock full of anal beads in my dryer. At least she washes them.
It's kind of hard to say bye to you when you fall asleep on the bar..
duuuude the clock in this car says its 85 past 19.
dear god, who put you in a cab?
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
Just got smoked out by my boss. Working in politics is great.
If its possible to have a hickey on your nipple, I have one. Thank you.
His name was Kyle but I insisted on calling him baby Jesus all night and then we did a line and he bought me Taco Bell so idk
Ran into my statistics professor at the bar, he chugged a car bomb and yelled "x bar mothfucker!". On average I'm loving this PhD program.
within five minutes of being here her dog found my vibrator in my bedroom and was carrying it around all proud! and her mom is here. so embarrassing :(
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