I just found $40 in the jeans I wore last night. PS I also found the jeans I wore last night.
I will never get the visual of you crying while chewing christmas lights out of my head
My goal tonight is to get arrested because what cop can say they have ever arrested a giant sperm before. God I love halloween
It's surprise blowjob week. You should be excited.
I totally gave him head in sync to Beastie Boy's Sabotage playing in the background.
Also, making a white Russian with butterscotch schnapps instead of vodka is probably the best decision I've made in my entire college career.
The friend zone. He put me in the friend zone. But said he still wants me to suck his dick. I'm in the dick sucking friend zone and I want to die.
I wish the guy I was sleeping with wasn't on house arrest.
I found them in the bathroom trying to wrap an American flag around Steve's dick. I didn't bother to ask questions.
Like I respect him so much I would suck his dick
In a very non respectful way
Lol yeah. Because I just woke him up to blow him for being hot.
My mom added me on Snapchat which means I am officially done with Snapchat.
So in hindsight, going through the McDonald's drive thru plastered at 4 a.m. on stolen bikes was a bad idea.
Basically, I am an endless fountain of unconvential sexual experiences and knowledge.
Birthday wine tasting got super shambly super quickly. I am covered in cuts/bruises/terrible life decisions.
Randomize
