Blackout barefoot maybe pregnant
Good decisions....
Just got blue box Mac and cheese things are looking up
I'm like a new puppy, everybody wants to touch me
your facebook page is a work of drunk art.
Rubbed one out while on hold to buy tickets to Disneyland. Feel simultaneously like a freak and strangely productive.
The nurse who basically saved my life just came into the store. Didn't recognize her. Awwwwkward.
He gave me a trycicle he stole from a kid as an "offering" to have sex. I couldnt say no when he went through all that.
You are not allowed to borrow my car ever again. It smells like a hobo orgy happened in my backseat with a hint of onion. What did you do.
he was too drunk to climb up my loft. i owe my beating teen pregnancy to four pieces of steel
Also this guy fingered me at the bar and then gave me his card
I don't need my coworkers thinking I'm a nutcase.
You gift wrapped a tampon.
Well, I could just slap my dick to my phone and see what it says
I sent my brother over to my ex's to get the rest of my stuff. He comes back SEVEN HOURS LATER, high as fuck without my shit! No loyalty.
She's throwing a party for a guy that just got out of rehab?
Woke up next to my vibrator and a recipe for fudge brownies. If that doesn't scream I NEED TO GET LAID, then I don't know what else could.
Fuck your bullshit loser kid and his gluten allergy.
Randomize
