I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
Chances are I'll be there for your wedding. Camelbaks filled with jack and coke are appropriate attire, right?
This is absurd. I need a man. Or even a moderately-clean hobo will do at this point.
You got cut off after you tried to make the dog funnel moscato.
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
Sweetie, don't go home with him. You can do so much better. Everyone else at the bar agrees.
I have reached the state of intoxication where it is now a requirement to sit while peeing.
I deleted his number so I had to go into my old voicemails which are saved through my gmail and search his name... Never underestimate the resourcefulness of a drunk girl on a mission for dick
Beer is acceptable at 830am if it's your bday, right?
He was "hot guy in the dark". One of us had to sleep with him. I took the bullet you're welcome.
Did he hurt you? I have a crowbar I can beat his sorry ass with
all I want for my birthday is booze and sex toys. don't bother calling if neither of those are included.
She said "Im going to hug you" tried to give me a hickey then said her life sucks and started to cry.
He really is. Owns his own house and has more than one towel!
Xanax, wine, and giving the neighbor blue balls. How about you?
Jesus, it’s Tuesday morning! Not back stage with Motley Crew
Randomize
