you shoved the noah's ark of animal crakers in your mouth saturday.
we hooked up on one of my student's desks last night...i can't decide if i'm ashamed or massively proud of myself
dude you teach first grade wtf
and on the second day it was tequilla tuesday. and the lord saw it was good.
Look I know it's late and I hope this doesn't wake you up but I feel like you should know that I'm sleeping on my couch in my own apartment so that my friend can get laid in my bed, and I would do the same for you.
Exact words that were just spoken as she was on her 6th, yes 6th piece of bread: "I'm only eating the soft and chewy inside of the bread-I am taking the crust home to feed my turtles"
Her dog trainer Fuck buddy is over here again. She sounds like a squeaky toy and he talks to her like he talks to the dog. I CAN HEAR EVERYTHING!!!
Um, would you be up for dick jousting? Stefanie is willing to pay 40 bucks.
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
The next time you fuck up, your grandma sees your dick pics
I just sent Brandon a snapchat where I wasn't wearing a shirt but had a rooster drawn on my boobs that said "cock block" and laughed for 10 minutes I have problems don't judge me
They offered me pot brownies in 7 minutes flat. Imagine my horror when I had to be like, are those gluten free?
Sex to movie scores is my best choice of the year. You've had an orgasm but have you had an orgasm with an entire orchestra.
There way too many people in that club who have had their dick in me
I wanted to have a threesome but they’re TOO HETERO
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
Randomize
