I puked while I was brushing my teeth this morning and had to get a new tbrush
Ew, did you brush them again?
Yeah but i puked on the new one and decided to give up...failure
well recently, every guy I have hooked up with has been economy sized
it sucked. he totally couldn't get it up. blamed it on never having cheated b4. Couldn't stop laughing. fuck.
Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
You were hopping up and down because you wanted only his strongest sperms to make it to the egg.
Darwin at his finest.
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawn mower thinking of you
just cockblocked my boss's 17 year old son at the Christmas party
I just remembered how awesome your handjobs were in 7th grade, you were a true champ, thank you
My fridge broke, and apparently the back is missing. The repair guy just fixed it with a pizza box. I didn't ask where the box came from, but it wasn't mine. Reason #20 why rent is cheap.
This is a mass text. I will facerape you if you bring me Fierce Melon Gatorade and 4 D batteries.
You peed on a pole and declared to a cop that it was your pole and yelled at him to not even look at it, and then yelled at all of us for looking at it.
The joke is on me because whale penis is forever in my search history.
Worth it.
For new year's, we should just keep our resolution simple and keep accomplishing burpees in heels.... while drunk.
My dad accidentally texted me asking if I had weed...
Maybe you should say yes, and you guys can like bond or something...
Cops swarmed my car last night in the walmart parking lot cause of the paper plate
Randomize
