The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
The bar posted my picture because my name changes with each new fake i get. i'm getting a wig.
we bribed her with croutons and jello shots.
Still not exactly sure how i unbolted your toilet from the ground.
Your cum is still running out of me. I pity the next person that tries these jeans on....
Drinking with mariachis at jimmy johns.
If you were wondering whether I accidentally FaceTime called the undergrad who works for me in lab during a particularly graphic blow job last night, then the answer is yes.
Well Its not like I planned having my potato launcher explode and burn off my eyebrow and eye lashes.. I still have my right eyebrow can't u just be happy?
I want him to rummage through my vagina. with unwashed hands.
I know you`re my best friend, but when i wake up with this bad of a hangover and no memories of last night, i dont want to see your tits ad my background.
Yeah, first time I've shit my pants in my twenties... I'm thinking about putting it on my Facebook timeline
Jusy read on a science page that squeezing boobs can prevent cancer cells from forming in them, youre welcome.
Not my type. One of those types that loves that they're educated, could drink their red wine and have an intellectual conversation and have a wonderful time
An adult?
He asked me if my princess crown was real and before I could say yes, he was already reaching to put it on. I'm pretending I'm asleep if he tries to have sex.
And I broke things off with Justin last night. Except I texted him while he was asleep and then I was like well, that's probably not what he wants to wake up to, so I sent him a picture of the coconut I microwaved and caught on fire when I was really high one time.
Randomize
