This could be one of the worst things i've done... The background of her phone is her and her boyfriend.
Oh just living the dream. And by living the dream I mean drinking franzia out of a martini glass and watching family matters. Also, drinking every time Carl Winslow has a mustache and Eddie wears MC Hammer pants
She fell out the car soaking wet and screaming "im wearing a fedora!" then tryed to seduce him on the front lawn in front of his middle aged neighbor
Dude, Taco Bell gave me a free fiesta potatoes when I won a bet on wether I could fit the entire rim of a cup in my mouth.
Ive made peace with the fact that i will accomplish nothing except liver damage today
the cab driver asked if you were our mom. you definitely shouldn't have tipped him so much.
You are the alcoholic guardian angel of raccoons
She licked EVERYTHING then yelled at me in Spanish. I just kept saying SI.
Yep. How's your hangover?
It's like I fucked its sister and it's getting back at me.
i wasnt laughing because you were puking, i was laughing because three yards away there was a couple seriously getting it on
continuing my moment killer tradition in the best possible way
I've somehow found myself in an emotionally abusive relationship with a married man who gives me drugs.
My life is quickly turning into a Lifetime movie.
He ended up buying the equivalent of dinner at a Mexican place, in weed
I. Love. Skype. Sex.
I think it's just been too long since actual dick has been inside you that you only THINK you love skype sex
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
He wants to play improv games now whenever he gets drunk. Sometimes I just do not have the energy for that kind of a thing
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