I looked at my own cervix.
Haha so you are never gonna want to meet my mom now...she just found your thong in her front seat
hah yeah. there was a kid puking in the bathroom and this idiot brings in a potted plant and was like "yeah he's like, not getting enough oxygen"
omg a stripper jus od'd on stage.
I had a party to get rid of booze. Woke up with even more. Will do this till I can open a liquor store
We've been friends for six months, when do my benefits kick in?
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
No more drinking with Em. She was on the ground so much she looked like she belongs in a lifealert commercial
He answered his phone while he was eating me out and proceeded to yell at his wife for interrupting lunch...impressed or rock bottom?
walk of shame this morning involved walking through the in-home daycare that she runs while it was full of kids. judgemental little shits. on a plus, got a juice box and a graham cracker for the walk home.
I've liked him since I puked on him on my birthday so I want it to be special.
So my roommate and I have a written agreement stating that if he tries to sleep with his ex girlfriend, I have to immediately intervene and nut punch him then send her on her way.
this is the most serious roommate agreement ever
I woke up this morning with a text from my mom as to why the hell random people were showing up at the house. Turns out nobody came to our house party because I gave them my old address, fuck pre-partying for real
Coffee's working. Just killed a fly with my bare hands.\nFuck with me.
it was like 6 shots in and he was automatically my type
Randomize
