So I went home with some chick last night... I'm not sue what's worse: not getting a nut at 5am, the condom breaking and not being replaced, feeling poo when I put my finger in her but, sleeping on a heroin mattress in her living room, her swine flu coughing fit at 7am or realizing she peed the matt at 10am. Actually it was probably the fact that she continuously told me she was the classiest girl in boulder.
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
This just in: I met a girl who does the phone sex phone lines, and shes' 5'4" 320. I'll never get a hardon again through a phone.
Okay good. I don't want another mom thinking I got their daughter pregnant.
They're doing shots to celebrate every 15 minutes passing. You can come get them.
I think we should bring back the casual nipple tassel
You put your finger on my lips and told me 'the butt is nature's pocket'.
I don't remember that at all, but I stand by what I said
This was like angel cum on the bread of life filled with the nectar of the gods
He doesn't drink liquor so instead of doing a body shot off my belly button he dropped water in there and sipped it out with a straw. Look at my face: =|
When you're not at your house I assumed you're somewhere having sex
I was stuffing my vagina with gummy bears last night having him eat them out of me. Team Haribo for the win!
I'm deleting Tinder. I got there he rubbed my back and then proceeded to jerk off on me.
Ok well my life just seems more exciting by default because I'm dating my married boss and sexting with my ex
I'm disappointed in the internet. It's two days and there's still no fanfiction based off that Manning/Beckham commercial.
You don't even like football
party at the soccer house. crumbs in my sexy panties. can't. put. pieces. together.
Randomize
