I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
I got 70 on my final, or put differently, I got a "still graduating" on my final.
He ended our Skype call with, "I'm going to poop and then go play my ukulele in the park."
Me and allie were just offered cocaine by a strange man in a women's bathroom. Why have I not lived in Austin my whole life?
Good thing I left work early to shave my balls because traffic sucked ass, which I was written up for and my reason on the write was "to close on time, have to shave balls for date tonight". Oh yea, that was a bold statement right there
hey, being drunk and dumb is my thing. Don't take that away from me.
Look on the bright side: Now that I'm sleeping with both the exs it's good bye to drunk sexting the 'wrong one'.
you can only text me tonight if its in drake lyrics. thats the rule
look for me at the Giants game I will possibly be the drunk girl passed out by 2nd
I woke up with my shoes still on and my pants around my ankles cause I couldn't get them over my shoes
He stole me a cantaloupe and we drunkenly broke into a park and ate it on a bench with my pocket knife. I think i need to marry him
My mom found me this morning passed out, face down on my dinning room floor
That must have been one awkward situation haha
Well I woke up in my bed.... I don't remember her finding me
DID YOU OR DID YOU NOT, PEE IN MY FUCKING TRASHCAN?!
All i want from a relationship is to get drunk watch pirates of the Caribbean and have sex
I know she’s pissed I fucked her husband, but I didn’t know he was married until after I blew him at Legoland
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