Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
Her vagina is like Vegas. high traffic and full of glitter.
so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
Is it possible to make a milkshake in a martini shaker or am I gonna need a blender?
She told me I had to leave by four. We fucked until six thirty and we are the champions played on the way home. Yeah god knew
Next year we will be 30 and no more shots during the week.
her body is proportioned like a family guy character
So I found the perfect "Yeah I gained weight since high school but it went to all the right places" outfit for the reunion this weekend.
He ate me out on the kitchen floor while we waited for the cake to bake. How was your Valentines Day?
I may have farted on a group of children. It may not have been an accident.
You made out with two different species that night
My condoms might be a little big for you but hey, a big sweater is better than no sweater at all when it's cold right?
Don't be surprised if I hand out mini dildos on Halloween
I might go to an NA meeting just to fuck that boy in the bathroom.
Fuck the library it's too quiet and makes me uneasy. I feel like I'm so isolated I should take off my pants or something
Randomize
