Your mouth is God's brothel.
I thought it was weird that her dad told me to finish and get out after he walked in on us. I like him
Dating is not our generation's strong point. We're an era that's good at getting laid.
We raised our shot glasses and you screamed out "TO MY DAD FINALLY GOING TO REHAB!"
We were laying in the basement dry humping to the rhythm of the washing machine
Half my face is frozen, my vagina is broken, I'm wearing only gym shorts eating a plate of mashed potatoes, avatar is on my tv. There's a naked guy on my couch whose name idk. I needa talk to you asap
You guys can't keep having sex with them and cleaning their house! They're never going to take you seriously!
well he somehow got his hand stuck in some bike spokes trying to reach for a blunt he dropped and that's NOT the reason he's in the hospital...?
she got the mcdonald's logo tattooed on her ass. sober. yesterday at noon.
See, remember when you wanted to get an Ashley Madison account and I told you not to and you hated me? You. Are. Welcome.
chasing tequila with frosting. best baby shower ever.
Guess who's now on the no-fly list? If you guessed me, you'd be right.
I just got to my parents hungover as hell. My dad could tell and said "theres only one cure for a hangover" and handed me a beer. This morning went from a 0 to 10 in an instant.
I know right? It's like he knows how to pleasure me better than I do myself... He's like a prophet of sex
I dont know who to turn my two weeks notice into so I'm just going to get hammered at work and see who fires me.
Randomize
