My grandpa is talking about laundry and he asked if i could run a "small hot load." Wow. I had to leave the room.
Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
god help us all. i just saw an infant wearing a onesie that said "i don't know who my daddy is"
I just took a shit in a BP station. It seemed appropriate since they are shtting in our ocean.
And on top of all this... he just told me to "chill my nips."
whatever, you made your decision to be a responsible student and where did it get you? a pushed back exam and no blowjob.
We decided to cut you off after you insisted on eating peanuts by the dumpster
you told the cab driver to stop being such a pussy because he wouldn't let you shotgun a beer in the backseat
All I could think about when I saw her was that she could be the mother of my future first round draft picks
well I was pissed. first he yelled at me for having my own condoms, then he got mad when they didn't fit him. Dude, I only fuck magnum men.
We are buying drugs from a guy with a Jesus fish on his dodge caravan.
Pretty sure the waitress here is concerned about well being bc I've been here drinking by myself for 3 hours. If only I could show here FB so she'd know I'm not alone...
The last time I saw you, you were giving the stripper a lap dance.
Accent: check. Hot body: check. 8" dick: check. Feeds me biscuits in bed after rampant sex: check. Should I continue with my "Why I'm not coming back to the States" List?
My parents left me the house for the weekend...you know what that means?!
Harry Potter marathon and no pants.
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