i need an iv and a liver transplant
Should I be offended if he asked if he could use saran wrap to eat me out?
ya i vaguely remember microwaving a whole package of bacon for 20 minutes or so and then eating it all around 4am
noooo, I woke up on his pack porch and the SUN WAS RISING. I saw red lights everywhere and heard sirens so I just ran for my life.
pretty sure if my vagina had a mouth, it would have been smiling afterwards.
by "whatever happens, happens" i meant "we are totally hooking up again on tuesday." i thought that was obvious.
I'm making a date with someone on Playstation Home. That's how my sex life is going right now.
Crying on the toilet and taking a shit. This is what being an adult is about
My RA just sigh me high as fuck acting like a zombie and scratching at my door. Thoughts?
Just took a shot of 151, rimmned my middle finger in it, lit it on fire and lit a cigarette off it while flicking off my boss. How was your night??
This is not a drill. I need a cape. And a tuxedo. Simultaneously. Repeat. NOT. A. DRILL....
woke up and you werent here...its ok if we're never going to speak again but my furry hand cuffs are missing and i would like them back. thanks.
my boobs just made me lose a game of beer pong. the balls hit them, bounced off and into the cup. twice. ive never been so disappointed in them.
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
If I don't get alcohol poisoning from tonight I don't think i ever will.
Randomize
