I just did your MASH and your life is pretty unfortunate. Youre marrying the tech guy for love. you live in a shack and you're a hooker and you make $1 a day. you drive a brown limo and you have 7 kids
It's alarming how good I'm getting at being productive at work on Thursday after Johnny Walker Wednesdays.
She liked every single Facebook status in her newsfeed and then made her status 'I LIKE U GUYS'
No way. Our relationship is based solely on texting and sex. A phone call would be too much at this point.
After Thursday my breakup "don't screw anybody out of respect" month will be over and I will be set loose. My pussy is purring with anticipation.
Chasing shots with sriracha-covered mini toast was, in retrospect, not the best idea.
I've found my spirit animal. I'm a Snapple bottle. If you take my top off I'll tell you a fact about science.
I have to estimate how long it takes them to get to the bedroom so that I can sneak out of my room and get snacks. If she's anything like me, they're in bed the second he gets here and I can get snacks now
Nothing says "Hello, Adulthood!" quite like receiving a dick photo at 11AM from a guy you haven't heard from since fifth grade.
I'm gonna forget you just shared your personal blowjob aesthetic with me and move on
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
I don't think I can get drunk, high or horny enough to even consider that
suburban family judging/laughing at us after Jenna just pulled two flasks out of her boot on the subway
On cleanup... i've counted 94 solo cups so far.. oh, and i found a miniature top hat in the microwave
Sextember may be over, but Cocktober is just beginning!!!
Randomize
