My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
I guess calling a coworker a lesbian sea cow is some kind of violation.
We ended up getting arrested after we flagged down the cops for a ride home with open beers in our hands... turns out the "nobody told me" excuse doesn't cut it anymore
Aside from the slim chance of pregnancy, I'm gonna call last night a raging success.
Yehhhaaww I'm way ahead of you. I'm gunna get her a card that says " I'm sorry your now ex boyfriend decided to upgrade"
I'm out of mixers so I am using sugar water. Times are tough.
Is it too much to ask that I wake up one morning with out a pic of your dick as my wallpaper??
i just called my dad a bottom. he agreed
I really thought I'd be the only alcoholic drinking alone in my car at noon in the Lowe's parking lot. Passed out dude in the car next to me begs to differ.
Ever wonder what all the drugs you've ever done would look like put together?
Heaven. . It would look like heaven
Apparently I give handjobs in my sleep. So that's interesting.
Stay calm. It's a titty bar. A ring of cocaine will protect you.
She just started crying. With my dick still inside her. Something about her grandpa.
Got lost on the way to my dealer again. He stayed on the phone with me untill i found him and then hooked it up because I got lost.. What a genuine person.
He puked all over the side of the car and the head rest behind him...and then all he said was "America."
Randomize