we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
I wasted my skinny years on you. The least you can do is high five me at the bar
so i hit rock bottom, god threw me a shovel. i continued to dig.
Just finished texting the 27th male name in my phone that i don't recognize. none of them were the hott kid i made out with last night. the search continues.
We shoved chex mix between her tits for her own survival.
I made him recite stats from the playoffs game last night before I would go down on him.
Sprained my ankle at sky zone REST ICE COMPRESSION ELEVATION AND SHOTS it'll all feel better soon
He wore nothing but a Speedo and a tie to the party. It was great. Everyone was looking at him like "this kid's the best"
If we order a pizza and I contribute 9 cents, is that fair?
nana can keg stand better than me. should i be proud?
I feel violated by Miley Cirrus's performance in the VMA's.
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
my mom snuck into my room, washed her clothes and made her breakfast. what the fuck she's a better boyfriend than I am
I woke up this morning to my panties draped around the neck of an empty bottle of bulleit. That is the perfect visual metaphor for my life at this juncture.
I need to start journaling my drunk thoughts. Drunk me is fucking brilliant & sober me is missing out.
Randomize
