genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
How did a couple beers and monopoly turn into a bottle of vodka and throwing eggs at eachother in the kitchen?
We are lost and the only things we have are peanut brittle, cookies and vodka. I think we'll make it.
please visit steve this weekend, he is getting mature and responsible and shit which scares me.
I may or may not have just ruined a marriage. But in my defense I got all my drinks for free tonight.
Why would you hook up with someone whos known for peeibg in someones mouth
Escorted out of jimmy johns because I refused to leave with my dog. Stole a loaf of bread on the way out.
we broke up because he couldn't handle the fact that i've slept with more girls than he has. also, i've slept with the girl he's seeing now.
We should. Taco Bell definitely gives me the shits though.
It's girls night. No shame, just febreeze
If I get a 4.0 I am doing SO much cocaine.
The guy that stalks me just looked out his window and saw me in his neighbor's hot tub. Get your shit ready the fraternity wars are starting.
I just want to eat my penis shaped food in front of you and see how you feel about it.
Did you put Adderal in the fishtank in the lobby? The fish are acting like Olympic sprinters. Asshole.
If you get me a sex toy for Christmas everyone in my family will question our relationship.
I need dick so bad, I’m dressing sexy for the school pick up line and sports practices to entice a few of the DILFs
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