i really wanted you to get laid last night and i didnt think you were going to. so i posted porn on your facebook.it made sense at 3am
I'm currently bartering with this guy so I can fuck his bi girlfriend. We're at 5 pizzas and he gets to watch us make-out.
While you were in the ER we decided to tailgate in the parking lot until security told us that's not allowed.
Why would I send you a picture of it when I could just steal the gnome and put it in your bed with you? Admit it, he looks just like gnomeo!
Swear to god you say cuddle bunny one more time and honest to god I will sacrifice a bunny on the hood of your car
I just don't understand how she's willing to go through so much planning and effort just to get a dick inside of her
Lift me 50ft in the air like a tow truck but with your penis
How high are you exactly
He showed me his scar from his appendix surgery. It was educational and fun....
After the day I've had, I can't decide if donuts or fireball would be the appropriate priority.
First of all she starred talking about God which immediately killed my buzz
Gave her a puke bucket just in case. She filled the bottom of it with tears. Super sad. Although I am super proud she didn't puke. That was a lot of Fireball.
I feel like I don't even know what's gonna happen when we first see each other. It'll be like explosions and glitter and a unicorn will run by pulling a sleigh of alcohol and sex.
Write this down so you can tell me in the morning. "That bartender needs to be in my mouth."
Fuck it, I work hard. I deserve nice sex toys
Totes just ripped ass and the bartender's eyes got wet
Randomize
