Every time there's an awkward silence a gay baby is born
she tried giving me head in the pool. it was more entertaining than pleasurable
I would just like you to know that the guy I blew off last weekend to come find ur drunk ass just got drafted into the major leagues.
Moment of silence for the loss of that option.
He was at the bottom of the stairs showering himself with the popcorn, then eating a few handfuls and running around.
My vibrator challenges you to a duel.
i love that feeling when you wake up and have no idea how you got back to your dorm or why you have mac and cheese on your cheeks and eyelashes in your mouth
I cannot FaceTime with your penis
But if you were going to pour a liquid on your naked body in fall its definitely pumpkin inspired something.
I think it's time for a new pick up line. So far my " hey you want to go back to my place, order a pizza and fuck?" Has set me at an all time low downtown 0/4
Pounded a bottle of Moscato in my underwear while watching Pretty Little Liars...am I really gonna be 30 next year?
Well ill be drunk so just come find me. Its like where in the world is Joey San Diego
I'm so hung over that I'm pretty sure I can feel the earth's rotations when I close my eyes.
So I was walking to the bathroom and some random dude threw up while walking towards me. He kept eye contact the entire time and didn't stop moving.
I wish I was there so i could bitch slap his incredibly sexy face
Hey do u remember the time we used my mascara wand as a drink stirer?
Randomize
