when you find your car can you pick me up? his mom is here and im hungover
Kareoke will never be a sober sport
Done. Eyebrows are waxed, entire body shaved
You know you think of me naked too
Not since I found Jesus
That's kind of creepy but I guess since I'm wearing your dad's pants nothing is off limits anymore
I just got cut off for correcting the bartender's grammar. I should have never accepted that fucking editors position.
I have bruises covered in glitter and someone just asked me if I realized I'm bleeding from both ears. This is awkward.
What shirt can I wear out that says 'I may have a broken arm, but it's not the one I give handjobs with'?
I'm trying to convey to the smoking hot Spanish cleaning lady at work that I want to bone her but I think it's getting lost in translation. How do you say "blowjob" in Spanish?
My mom said she saw you at the bar last night and asked how you were. She said, you replied with, "Oh you know, just knocked up."
Figured I'd get right to the point
I spent half an hours grinding with a drunk Harry Potter cosplayer at the con rave. Pretty sure I felt his wand.
And regarding bottomless mimosas stopping at 1 pm, there was a chick who drove her car into the back of the bar. Blame that bitch, not you peeing in the koi pond.
We should. Taco Bell definitely gives me the shits though.
It's girls night. No shame, just febreeze
We both fell asleep mid-handjob and he continued to call it "handjob halftime".
My head is bruised from having sex in the backseat of an explorer last night.
Randomize
