he said he didn't have a condom.
and you said?
that that's fine cause i was ready to be a mom. yeah - he magically had a condom he forgot about after that.
Just got a citation from campus security for an "accordion disturbance."
all i remember thinking as i was puking my intestines out is : wow.. this toilet does look like it's from the future.
Some dude at the gas station right now is buying a 30 rack of beast and a can of cat food. Happy Thanksgiving.
throwing up turkey will be a nice break from throwing up ramen
Just smokin in the creek with some deer, they like the smoke, I know.
PS: I just woke up from my shower
I got kicked out of the men's bathroom at the diner last night because i was straddling the sink attempting to pee with pants on. Beat that.
I now have a bottom rung on my kissing scale. Like I can say "Well. On a scale of Matt to Braxton he was probably a Zach." It's the little things.
i wear a size 32DD bra. its basically impossible for me to get a speeding ticket
where did we go last night? there's dollar bills all over my room & they're all wet.
I'm glad you still love me even when I change pants in the kitchen and demand you spoon me
Pretty sure we had a civil war reenactment in your kitchen at 4am.
That would explain the cannon.
I JUST WANT TO SIT IN MY UNDERWEAR AND WATCH THE BRAVES GAME AND NOT BE CONSTRAINED BY MY ED SHEERAN SHORTS
We should write a country song: “Blacked Out on a Sunday”
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