They threw me out of the bar because I was arguing business ethics with the owner of th bar
I'm pretty sure he told me he was sterile and I told him I was on the pill. The positive pregnancy test I'm holding in my hand right now tells me that at least one of us was lying.
not to be a dick but do you remember the names of all your friends i made out with after we broke up?
Ok I have to ask, whose idea was it to used crushed up norcos as margarita salt? And what did they say to convince everybody else to think it was a good idea?
She was mad I came so fast. I was like, It's the Olympics! Fastest time wins! We can train you in the offseason.
I'm trying to be all porn star and he's making it all The Notebook
I mean metaphorically speaking, maybe we've all fucked on top of a frat house at some point in our lives
Um. Did you take a picture of me with a giant dildo after we went bowling?
If you get laid dressed as my dad that makes me extremely uncomfortable
I AM NOT LOSING TO SOME FICTIONAL CROSSDRESSER
walked into my room this morning clutching two empty bottles of sminoff to find my roommate's ultra conservative parents staring at my posters of naked men. fuck parents weekend.
Fuck you. Fuck this party. I just wanted to be pretty with a cute little tiara and boys sucking my tits, now i have a hangman game drawn on my face and jello shots in my hair.
I wanted to give you a great birthday party. You know I did.
Maverick's sitting in jail wearing a turkey costume and I am soooo jealous.
I'm doing my drinking workout. 20 pushups for each beer I finish. I should write a fucking book
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
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