I have this horrible feeling I'm going to blackout tonight & only be able to say 'wasabi bobby' over & over again.
I wish my penis had an off switch
I woke up this morning and "The Wood" was on tv. Touche TBS, touche.
i hate that you can chart my weight gain through my facebook pictures.
I feel like if I were on Intervention, I would have to be a season finale.
A girl just asked me to co-sign for her boob job because she didn't have enough credit built up. This is a first.
Never get a handjob from a girl who gives deep tissue massages.
Can you do me a favor and fuck someone with a car so I can get a ride home?
drunk caitlyn doesn't know how to work gmail. so know an email has been sent to the entire campus with a picture of me naked eating a bagel attached.
YOU ARE THE WORST TRAVEL AGENT! THIS IS A SINGLES CRUSE FOR SENIORS. THEY ALL THINK IM THE FUCKING WAITRESS JUST CAUSE IM BLACK!!!
So a guy died and our dates revived him with CPR. Good night?
Literally just inhaled three cinnamon rolls. Sara is staring. It was inhuman
I'm a terrible person when I drink. I went from fine to not making any sense and yelling about cheese in like 30 seconds.
I fell out of my bed whilst trying not to move this morning. I AM ADULT
I had ice cream for breakfast two days in a row.
SUPER ADULTS
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
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