I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
Hey I found a place that'll do a hand job for 42 bucks
Wow, Pearl Harbor and The Notebook are on. Its like the Im going to kill myself marathon.
not only did i climb through the window at 4 am but here i am 4 hours later for my interview at the mall and i'm staring in the dark pet store barking at puppies
all her text said was "asdfhdaufhudshfuds" and i knew that meant come over
I just woke up and shes still asleep next to me with her vibrator inside her and on. Whats normal protocol for this situation?
I feel like a really awesome person when i have to check my roof for things i've lost
I swear after i took it all i did was scream for four hours
If I had pants on, you wouldn't be getting this text message
I woke up to a full mcdonalds meal being shoved in my face. Mom mustve noticed the empty tequila bottle. I love family.
IT'S A FUCKING GIANT POKEBALL MAD OUT OF TINY ROSES
i just deleted him from my phone. and yes... I did just text you this from less than 20 feet away.
I'm not judging.. I sure as hell am not getting out of my bed to come talk to you about this. but i support your decision
I WAS KIDDING ABOUT SLUTEMBER BUT ITS ACTUALLY HAPPENING
Not sure if I should ask if I can have my underwear back or just avoid that all together.
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