I guess we had a small kitchen fire somehow when we decided to bake fruitroll ups and croutons...
woke up with a sweatshirt on that said "someone special calls me grandma" and a sword. i'm just going to assume that it was a good night
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
you handed the cop a condom last night and said "it's all about protect and serve right?"
There was a guy running for some position in our government named "young boozer" hell yes I voted for him
Mom just texted me to see if it was you who was streaking at the Mariner game... Did you accept yet another $1 bet?
before the moonshine you were already braiding the bouncers beard -_-
Heb just said, and I quote, "let's go to Who's On Third and fuck a fishbowl with our mouths. I am going to fuck this van." and then he humped a van.
no. i discovered the *exact* amount of drugs i need to do to understand calculus.
Fuckin wine wasted last night. Found my pants in the toilet this morning.
I think if I send him enough nudes, he will buy my plane ticket.
He said he's going to karaoke tonight and I just spilled a bunch of Cheetos on the floor and ate them all. So that's my night.
Listen, I've got balls in my face can I call you back
Chaz got drunk and passed out so we superglued a kazoo to his mouth. Listening to him Panic when he woke up was fucking hilarious.
I don’t know what language he speaks but I know my boobs will translate just fine
I’m looking forward to few days of international relations
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