I cant believe you went over there and fucked her last night after everything you said
she invited me over to play the wii, it's not like i intended to
You KNEW her power was out...
She guessed my name 9 times, and 5 of those times she guessed Mike. Figured that'd be an easy target for the night.
he let me wear his jacket and there was a magnum and a bowl in his pocket ... I think im in love
No he didn't understand the sequence...then I started texting him these texts with vagina strategically spelt correctly in jumbles of letters.
i just unblacked out cuddled in a pita pit booth with ten dollars rubberbanded to my hand.
Everybody knows the last week of summer internships include showing up to the office hammered and hitting on the CEO
I need to find more Xanax, my Grandpa doesent leave for another week and he's made it a mission to get me to come out of the closet as a xmas gift to my parents.
I am making pancakes and watching Spongebob Squarepants. My life is a waste of youth.
I love THIS fish, the rest of the ocean can go fuck itself. I am ahab and he is my whale
I have good news and bad news. Bad news, she's not in porn. Good news, I found porn.
I completely forgot I gave up beer. But airports don't count. They're like international waters. No rules.
Ya know, one would think a restraining order would keep me from fucking my ex.
If you don't come home and fuck me soon I'm walking over there naked and dragging you home by your penis
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
The hump and dump is a beautiful thing
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