So I had sex with him again. He's still got it. Not chlamydia, he got rid of that.
im six kinds of drunk right now
i just opened a bottle of wine with my dads power tools
Just found out they make medicinal lollipops, bought like 40 of them. Gonna go fill a pediatricians lollipop bowl.
Found your glasses drenched in ketchup on my driveway this morning
Weed is now completely legal in Colorado and Washington. I repeat weed is now legal! I'm putting a deposit down on a house as we speak.
ROADTRIP.
i'm pretty sure i can feel a baby kicking just looking at him. if he didnt impregnate you, you officially have an iron-clad uterus.
Just took a piss in some random bushes in a traffic jam and had to sprint back to the car. I'm a boss.
She just asked what would happen if you put a vacuum in your butt and turned it on. These are our conversations.
Just me, my martini, and my backup Martini.
im glad im back to a point in my life where i have enough sex to sometimes be offered and be like naw im good.
If you can't seal the deal with her, I will. And you know I'll be successful. So there's your incentive
Halfway through missionary I realized I was partially laying on his sleeping dog and idk that just kinda ruined it for me sooo
& he told me that I give the best head ever.. like can I get that on a medal?
How do I un-spend everything I bought last night? Seriously...was a penis shaped piñata and enough tequila to fill my bathtub really that necessary?
At least you can say you've literally dumped money down the drain
Randomize
