Is it wierd that I kind of wish I could hang out with Melissa Joan Hart?
I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
you have to be so drunk to ignore a taser
I just peed in the Schreyer honors college shrubbery. Thanks honors students, you're finally good for something
we had a 10 minute conversation with his family about how I don't let him eat me out. I want to go home
i wanna pet his head its so fluffy. were gonna open a petting zoo
the night got glorious when you tried to do an upside down keg stand with a near empty key and dropped it on your face
Dude, Taco Bell gave me a free fiesta potatoes when I won a bet on wether I could fit the entire rim of a cup in my mouth.
Just did a walk of shame dressed as a cowgirl and walked past his ex's entire sorority. Yippee kye aye, motherfucker.
There is a homeless man handing out free beer on the city bus. He has a cooler and everything. I love this trashy yet generous city.
You know what's worse than asking for the morning after pill? Asking for the morning after pill in a sketchy hospital in a foreign country where no one speaks English.
She waited 7 months to break out her comicon costumes. I was only mad it took her so long. I fucked an elf last night and strawberry shortcake the night before!
I found three vicadin and a pint of fireball with the note. In case of emergency drink me under their sink.
What's the policy on calling guys who have kids daddy...
I knew I no longer wanted to bone him when he put the Grease soundtrack on as "mood music", no guy looks attractive singing and dancing to greased lightning naked.
Randomize
