my bf wants us to fuck our way into the new year.. how original..
Haha im sorry. Its just financially responsiable to bang him instead of you right now.
Replacing day drinking with a real job was the worst decision I've ever made.
watching my parents drink 4 loko out of usf cups playing pool and rocking out to ACDC...
Can I come live with you?
While you were puking in the ocean I was rubbing your back saying "Just give it back to Mother Earth".
if that's jizz on my steering wheel i'm gonna be pissed...and impressed.
Hey, can you come over and kill me real quick
i'm having taco bell mild sauce and tums for breakfast because i'm hungover and thats all i can find. it's like thanksgiving up in here
I just did a Kegel and my back popped. My vagina is a gift to penises everywhere.
tell me why they applauded then the bartender locked himself in the bathroom when i walked into the bar today ????
I heard you were drinking whiskey straight from the bottle last night.
Actually I was drinking whiskey straight from 3 bottles, but that is neither here nor there.
Well, I saw an Olympian's genitals tonight, so it can't be that bad.
I think he's like 40 and maybe a little sociopathetic and i have never been so turned on
Another text to add to the intervention pile, i see
Also I'd apologize for texting you flipping my shit about the science of hair growth while I was shrooming last night but we know each other better than that
I should not have moved in with him. He's got porn stashed everywhere like a homosexual squirrel.
You love porn!
Not in the sugar bowl when I'm making my Mom coffee I don't.
Randomize
