Your fb status are always so intriguing.. Often make me picture you naked
He told me that he wishes our relationship was more like prison: less touching, more butt sex.
wait do you know what youre gonna say if they ask how youre getting back?
yes. helicopter.
Remind me to never go to the bar with your Asian friends again. I need to be able to read or pronounce what I'm drinking.
he/she has shaved legs and makeup on. but a spare tire stomach, high socks with high heels...a wig and glasses. and still talked like a man. it was a nightmare scenario
NEW RULE: NO INNAPROPRIATE CHOICES THAT INVOLVE GUNS. I LIKE IT. WRITE THAT DOWN.
ps if your frozen peas taste like crotch it's because some dude kicked me in the nuts while trying to do a keg stand and I needed an ice pack
We were having an argument with his friends mom about whether it was worse that he bootycalled me at 4 a.m. or that I bootycalled him at 12 in the afternoon
How about to stay friends we only have sex on our birthdays. Maybe national holidays too. And days we get really drunk. Wanna get really drunk?
All I know is I was bleeding, she was bleeding, we stole someone's Lucky Charms, and then I made you guys order a pizza
He showed up on school grounds wearing nothing but a suit of armor. Really at this point I'm more impressed than angry.
A dozen fresh-baked cookies delivered to my dorm AND I don't have chlamydia or gonorrhea... Could this night get any better??
For future reference: When the bouncer is approaching you to remove you from his bar, you don't respond by taking off your pants.
Either my boss has an enormous dick or he’s hiding a can of tennis balls in his bike shorts
Maybe I will go to the company picnic
She asked me if I could do that to her every single time. I said nope. sometimes it's better.
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