I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
I have a new drinking limit. I'll stop when I know I'm going to untag the picture that was just taken of me.
that's like riding a pigeon when you could fuck a bald eagle
Yea. But u kept saying "as long as she doesn't have aids" so I was concerned
I feel like I need to get rid of the black eyeliner, glitter, and tequila breath before I to that world poverty conference..
Please find an outlet that isn't stripping or getting drunk and arrested
you can't tell me you didn't shit your pants I saw them in the trash can by the bathroom.
Did you know that if you hit someone in the head with a frozen loaf of bread you can knock them unconscious?
There is a video recording of my birth. I have seen it. It is terrifying.
GUESS WHO STILL HAS BOTH NIPPLES!
Because it's not worth it. And there is no nice way of saying "sorry, you're not good enough at sex for me to drive 45 mins"
I just want to have sex that doesn't end like a B-rated horror movie.
I don't think I'm gonna survive today. I don't remember how to walk. I must crawl 6 blocks to my bed.
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
He did a backflip because drugs
Randomize