I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
you're like a bully in the Christmas story
while 90% of the female population goes to worship a fictional character tonight at midnight, I will be taking advantage of having the bars ALL TO MYSELF.
I wish Denzel Washington would coach my flip cup team..
Just ducktaped my beer to my bike. See you in ten.
My boyfriend just sent me flowers. I am now crying at the fact i fucked my fat neighbor. God please help me.
I can't leave. She doesn't trust me and my penis being out in the world without supervision.
Dude I've kinda accepted I may leave Nola with the clap.
He will. He has no choice. What's he gonna do? Find a better fuck buddy? We both know that's not possible. I'm the ideal friend with benefit. Minus snoring and uneven tits.
I need to pack up my vagina and leave. We only do bad things together.
oh god I've lost the ability to distinguish between 'star trek' and 'the future'
It looks like a baby bear tried to chew off my nipples.
You can't honestly expect me to maintain an erection when you have the Glen Beck show on
dont go in the freezer to fetch your weed. my vibrator may or may not be in there. not sayin, just sayin
mid-sex she goes "oh my god. you aren't even going to remember my name in the morning, are you?". And i was so wasted that i straight up told her "honestly, I don't even remember your name right now"
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