I just want to hang out with her.
You're a liar. Why do I have to give you reasons you can't have sex with my mom? I hate you.
I'm sorry. I think I have multiple personalities. Or it was the acid. Either way. I'm sorry.
this may be my drink champagne alone in a bbaby pool in the dark night
Oh and I found some acid for the drive back to school, productive day
They let me keep the giant cocktail glass because I threw up in it. And made out with the bartender. Europeans are so generous. I'm getting it engraved
We just set the fire alarm off with a fog machine. What's my first instinct? Finish my drink. I think I handled that correctly.
Now that I'm born again, I'm preserving my gift.
Your vagina isn't a White Elephant gift. You can't re-wrap it after it's already been given several times. That's white trash thinking.
Russell brand is gross. Everytime I see him I just wanna give him a bath. He's like a used condom.
I'm sitting here bra-less eating jalepeno candied bacon. You know you want this.
Coming.
You have no idea I looked like the porno version of Laura Ingalls Wilder
By far the fardest thing to do drunk is open a band aid
I made out with the uber driver for free weed, I thought he deserved it
I just bought spray paint, a T-shirt, and a box of magnum condoms. The cashier refused to make eye contact! Haha
one of my coworkers asked me if I was PMSing today...... excuse me sir, but it is none of your business as to what my uterus is or is not doing right now. fucker.
and yea, I'm PMSing.
I have had my dick inside of entirely too many people at this wedding in order for me to be the groom. Please give me a swift kick in the dick to wake me up from this nightmare
Randomize
