I just found out that AAA will pick you up if you're drunk for free if you're a member. How did I not know about this?
I briefly wondered why they weren't in school, but after the tinier one shouted "check out dem titties!" I had my answer
One of my preschool students told me today that it's not pollution that makes the water in lakes unclean. It's the hobos. I was absolutely speechless. And just so proud.
we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
high as fuck. watching parent trap with my mom. keep missing my mouth.
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
I now own a bag of cigarettes and have no purse, awesome
I had to talk to the cops at my front door in a bathrobe, with the buttplug still in.
Just pulled a Kenny Powers on a snowmobile
You came running into my room at 4 in the morning yelling "SANCTUARY!" and flung yourself into bed.
Hmmm, sounds like a Jaeger night then. Did I at least get to be the little spoon?
I'm spending tomorrow doing taxes and making jello shots. Is this adulthood?
Well puke fest 2014 just happened
Of all the kinds of relationships I've had in my life, I'd have to say, lab-partner-with-benefits takes the fuckin cake
I know you can't find me. Somehow I ended up on the roof smoking a cig with the strippers that are on break. Way too drunk to deal with this right now.
Randomize
