Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
Denial is the first step to alcoholism…and I don't hate it
so tomorrow. i'm thinking coinstar then adderall?
Suite mates just came in and said that we have to go to Africa. They're already packed. Didn't know you could get that high.
He told me his condom was going to expire tomorrow and he needed to use it. I can't believe I fell for it.
How the hell can the Olympic committee frown so much on weed and yet put on a show you would have to be high to actually enjoy?
Welcome to the first annual slutathon and let the men be ever in our favor
Both of our knuckles were split open this morning when I came out of the blackout, the column on the porch has two new cracks in it, were like the redneck Super Smash Bros.
id one day like to live in a world full of emotionless and wonderfully fullfilling sex...
He has silky zebra print sheets, which you would think he put on just for me, but the bed was unmade. Did I just sleep with a closet case??
My sunday was babysitting three big, drunk, crying Swedes. Unless your day involved four or more giant drunk swedes I don't want to hear about it.
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
Consider yourself lucky. If I ever run into my ex, all I'll be able to think is, "I let you pee on me and lead me around on a leash."
just called AAA to get my keys out of me car and then afterwards realized they were in my pocket...stoner life
Randomize
