dude, im still at the bar with two chics... one has a moustache ill save that one for you... be home in 20min..
There is somethin about your sexuality that makes my dick do jumping jacks when I see you
a chick just tried to cover her fart by sneezing. it didn't work
It's like a choose-your-own-adventure. But the adventure is already chosen for you. And it sucks.
Hey cutie is the game almost over? I'm making dinner for us it'll be ready soon. Xox
You would rather make fucking dinner than watch a hockey game that rivals the epic-ness of miracle, the one of the biggest upsets in sport history? Babe I don't know if I can date a girl with such terrible priorities.
I just realized that I'm gonna have to lower my standards if I want random head.
just got off the metro to throw up and got back on like it ain't no thang
really making moves this morning i see
dude she was givin me head and stops and looks up at me and tells me she loves me, then goes ''alright now cum in my mouth''.... pretty sure shes the one
Hey everyone. This evenings celebration will commence with a cocktail hour at genghis at 830 to be followed with an upscale dining experience at taco bell at 10. All are welcome. This is not a joke. Thank you
You walked away saying that you had to pee and you never came back. We found you an hour later in his roommate's bed. Under the covers. Still in your wet bathing suit.
Im so tired of dysfunctional exs fucking up my relationships with future dysfunctional exs
That awful moment when there is no more beer and you find yourself considering tequila and aloe juice.
I don't know why I do this to myself his dick is a constant source of disappointment.
I had sex with him for the first time drunk, dressed in a toddler overall tutu costume, at 2pm. Horrible start.
ugh i want to get waxed but I’m afraid. my vagina has had enough trauma this week, i don’t know if I can put her thru any more.
Randomize
