I'm sorry that you don't think that "Daddy Issues" are a real thing, but I can tell you that some assholes who never went to their daughter's dance recitals are responsible for getting me laid...continuously.
how the FUCK am I supposed to macarena while doubble fisting?
the whole city is out of plan b pills. this is the meanest game of musical chairs ever.
well hello there hangover. fancy meeting you here on this BRIGHT thursday morning.
I am drunk at a castle and it isn't even 3. Europe is amazing.
The funny part was that the cop pulled us over cause the park was closed, not because I had just come up from giving the guy a blowjob when the cop drove by.
I walked into her room to find her sitting on the end of her bed with her heads in her hands talking to herself. She kept muttering things like "What? How? No. What? I don't --- How?" $10 says she's pregnant.
I'll see to your $10 and raise you $40.
valentines day is a day for loved ones to share. So me and my vibrator. Happy holidays.
I've decided to become a librarian so I can drunkenly quote The Mummy and have it be legit.
WE HAVE TO LEAVE. I HAVE HAD SEX WITH WAY TOO MANY PEOPLE IN THIS BUS STATION.
Adulthood is punching a guy in the face when you find out he's trying to fuck you and he's married instead of fucking him regardless and believing anything he says
Me: I shouldn't go to the airport bar it's too expensive and I don't need it. Dark me: SHOTS AT 7 AM
Anyone who can sit 4 hours in a doobie circle with their feet in a kiddie pool is ok by me
we should paint friendship bongs
Now I am free. And I want to go meet men. My phone deleted all my contacts, and I consider this to be a new beginning. With a new man in my phone book.
Randomize
