2 nights ago she wants to see other people, tonight she wants to have a threesome. The GOOD kind of threesome. So... win?
I think we should start referring to bisexuals as "strays"
halfway through eating me out he goes 'oh that reminds me i have to buy fish for good friday'
I think he thought he was a gentleman because he bought me the most expensive plan b at cvs
After 2 hrs of driving around looking for him, we just found him sleeping in the bed of my truck with the cover closed, cuddling with the spare tire.
best friends dont let best friends get an STD of the eyeball just saying
Thanks for alerting everyone in our apartment what your one night stand's name is. Could you scream a little louder?
I just realized my life is a timeline of drunken injuries.
Just had a brita power hour to try to counter act all the wine i chugged last night.....fucking franzia
The cop used the word "belligerent" 16 times in the report. You get to bail him this time. I'm not up for it.
wow. there is a man who hates the post office more than me. he is causing a scene, this is a snapshot of elderly me.
I feel like the universe head butted me in my balls. That hungover.
.... My lady balls. Cuz I'm a lady.
yea sometimes its awkward. but when you're a straight bartender at a gay bar and everyone knows it, they all think that they can make me turn gay. its like oh yea dude that extra $20 tip makes me want to suck some dick now
My penis definitely considers my Captain Cock costume a success
I need more 20 something year old penis in my life
Randomize
