so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
I was high enough to understand and function with 'flip' while playing brick breaker
Damn. I don't think I could ever be that high.
Just checked my bank account while shitting blood. Neither action felt good when I was done.
i don't know at this point bringing the fog horn might be a good idea...
I'd like to be considered more than just his fuck buddy thanks. IVE BEEN RISKING PREGNANCY FOR SEVEN GODDAMN MONTHS I DESERVE THE TITLE OF GIRLFRIEND
my head hurts. i need an adult
and not like a cool parent adult. like a full fledged party pooper grandparent adult
so hungover. i just puked at the sight of the beer emoticon you sent me.
Holy crap, church bells in Cibolo just scared the hell out of me. I'm pretty sure they were yelling sinner at me.
It's time to run my sex life like a basketball team. Got the lesson Clint!
"Don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor..." he chanted helplessly
Today was brought to you by the letter B for beer and bourbon and the number fuck you I'm meant to be studying not hungover
He said he discovered the mysteries of the universe inside an orange... I want whatever he was on.
If you can't trust the person at the taco cabana drive thru, who can you trust?!
When I told her I was deaf and took my hearing aids out at night to sleep, she said it must be nice not having to hear drunken roommates having awkward sex late at night.
I know you would never do it--but if I ever walk into your house and find a "live love laugh" ANYTHING, I will commit you to an asylum. If it is a vinyl decal adhered to the wall, I will just smother you myself.
Randomize
