I think I'd rather ejaculate tabasco. You'd have to scrape out guacamole.
so far i wrote 500 words for a paper on sean paul performing we be burnin..i can officially do anything on adderral
we went to sleep in different beds and woke up spooning. alcohol truly is the anti-cockblocker.
I want to make a porn site called "girls with daddy issues"
What the hell did I do to get youtube to recommend a video for me called "how to increase your chances of getting pregnant"?
you had acid sex with the barista. why is my bucket list your tuesday?
What an age we live in that I can try to pick up a guy by using my phone while I'm taking a shit at work.
We found her on the doorstep. Just layin down going, "I made it home!! Aren't you proud??!"
Then he shook the next streetlight but this one broke and fell over. He told me, "This is the part where we run."
It's okay I didn't send any nudes tonight so we are safe *inserts photo of a baseball umpire doing the safe signal*
I was drunk and on Craigslist.. The drunk-text offers people got must have been either horrifying or glorious
really who shits their pants then locks themselves out of their apartment? ... I threw my underwear out in a random bathroom
I hope every time you eat hashbrowns you think about me, the awesome sex we had and how great we could have been.
That's nice of you to be concerned, but I'm pretty confident I'll marry someone 30 years older than me, ride out being the trophy wife for 10 or 15 years, then live large!
This is the most aggressive rendition of that Proclaimers song I ever heard.
Randomize
