Are you drinking alone?
no, i'm watching house
That doesn't count.
wtf, then i'm always alone
we decided it was best to cut you off after we caught you trying to "baptize" my cat in the jungle juice
please tell me i can get drunk off sparkling grape juice. even if you have to lie, please say yes.
My mom and dad are smoking a joint while lecturing me on what to bring and how to act in Europe. I'll finish this glass of wine and head over.
Attention ladies coming to the party tonight! Tonight will be another chance to win the 5 bucks for getting my cousin hard. Bring your a-game, no one has been able to overcome the whiskey dick yet. Good luck.
After he finished he proceeded to check my boobs for breast cancer.
Oh that's what I forgot last night.. To make out with her.
My attempts to make you laugh have failed exceedingly. Naked snap chats it is
Please come quick there are people in suits here judging me
I don't even care that it's before church. I feel like God actually wants me to have this shower beer.
If the world ends and i have no vodka please just kill me.
Hey beautiful no judgement but why is there a bucket of KFC chicken in the bathtub??
I remember the Prince Albert and the three penises in the threesome. But the rest no.
Turns out dignity is priceless and Plan B costs $41.09
Fuck you bitch. You're married. You got a live-in dick at home for your needs. I still gotta surf this shitty town's bars for cock
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