you sent me the whole alphabet, one letter a text. it took 15 minutes to read them all
Picking up third year law school girls is like MILF hunting for beginners
Update: I just puked into a sock. It was the only thing available at the time. Why I happened to be holding a sock, we may never know.
You were so excited to be getting 4 tickets to the Whale Rodeo.... That high
Drunk me forgot I'm not an 18yr old raver anymore. Adult me is now in pain.
Gym?
Sweet baby Jebus, no. I'm Motley Crue hungover. This must be how it feels to rail a line of ants.
Ok, I have three hours. I'm trying to work out two blow jobs and a taco.
I feel so much better about my break up knowing that he's having his 26th birthday at Rollar kingdom\n
His new place is a molesden. Like a hole in the ground. It's frightening how oddly private it is.
It rubs the lotion on it's foreskin...
It's really hard to masturbate now that I live with girls who actually function before 11 am.
I spanked her so hard I woke up Grandma
Getting a UTI was SO NOT on my wishlist for the holidays
Drunk me just want to text sober me for saving that half rack of ribs I loves you
poll: am I friendzoned if he just called me brochacha? on one hand, he called me bro, but on the other, he used the a to make it feminine.
Who told you he won a fight? He slammed his face into the ground while trying to do 11 push-ups
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