My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
You might not want to sit on your couch. Actually you may want to throw it away. My bad.
We were sexting and at the end, instead of us having sex, he decided to put "we fell asleep in each others arms."
Leaving the dealer's house. He just gave me a sincere hug and said good luck. This cant end well.
four loko is officially banned. leave it to the kids from a state school to fuck it up for everyone
coming from the girl bound and determined to pee in the snow
why would you restrict a girl of that
Can't decide if I want to watch full house or the fleet wood Mac concert during the presidential debate.
The roommate asked me to make sure no one fucked in his room. And then preceded to give only me permission to fuck in his room. Had no idea who I was, just thought I was trustworthy cause I had Edward 40 hands. Felt like a Tarantino movie.
Tequila pump. I'm ecstatic your engineering degree has real world application.
He says he invented a new sex move called The Redbird that we can only do when I'm on my period. Should I be concerned?
Drinking a pint every 8 mins right now. Power hour aint shit.
Good luck
Trying doe a second hour and I.cant open my eyes
She's opening her family birthday cards at the bar. So we can pay our tab. Bitches wrote checks :(
I told her my hands felt like they touched the sun, never been that stoned before
I swear to fucking god if he takes away netflix I will have no problem sending his gf our sex videos
Just let a guy I just met eat me out in a shed at a baby shower. May have sunk to a brand new low
Randomize
