just ask for directions from a guy with a penis drawn on his window
I didn't want to have to tell you this, violating our brother/sister code not to discuss these things but: for the love of christ stop inviting that 21 year old idiot I slept with for six months to EVERY PARTY WE THROW.
Get caught with marijuana. Cop takes piece. Buy new bong. Circle of fun.
Just shook hands with the bud light truck driver, thanked him for his service to our country
The hot guy sitting next to me in the lib is reading a book called "Impersonal sex in public places." How wrong would it be to give him my number when I bounce?
I think it's safe to say I'm rolling my hypothetical balls off
Drunk yet?
Well I just did the worm on an empty dance floor while the bridesmaids were serving cake. You tell me.
She gave me a can of steel reserve to pour on myself in the shower
You must have my penis confused with someone else's...which is disappointing
alcohol and riverdancing are a dangerous mix. have a spraind ankle. i die now
It's five in the morning. wtf?
Your normalization of crazy is frightening.
did you make it home?
i'm in a room and it looks like mine :)
hahah close nuff if it isnt
I’m literally watching say yes to the dress, eating fancy cheeses with crackers, and I have orange dark chocolates. All of which is being washed down with merlot. And I’m 100% sure a porno is gonna go down next door tonight. They don’t have a car and arrived via taxi. Happy holidays from motel 6 Pendleton Oregon!
I am downtown smoking a joint with Woody Harrelson...Because our car won't start. I will be there as soon as I can.
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
Randomize